New year, new start....

Hope you've all had a lovely Christmas!

Christmas here was full of everything I love during the festive season - family time, friend time, good food, nostalgic films, theatre, apple and cinnamon scented candles, cosy jumpers and festive church services. I was well and truly spoilt and got some much needed time to relax with the people I love.

Without the business of 'normal life', it's been a time to reflect on the past year too. I think that 2014 has been one of the hardest and most emotional years of my life. Lots of great stuff has happened (I got to know my daughter more, watch her grow, laugh with her, cuddle her, listen to her snoring, spent time with my brilliant husband, enjoyed time with family and friends, had a few lovely breaks away amongst other things) but I have spent much of the year feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Health issues, a change in job and a unsuccessful house move have taken up a lot of time this year physically and emotionally and going into 2015, I know that I don't want to carry all of that with me. Fortunately my health is improving, work is going pretty well, the house move is on hold for the foreseeable future and the stress is lessening. As we near the end of 2014, I feel like I am coming out of the fog and starting to journey into a much better place. With that in mind I have decided not to make any new years resolutions (does anyone actually keep them?!) and am opting to have a year of less of some things and more of others.

So here's what I want more and less of in 2015....

• More faith
• More peace
• More laughter
• More time with those I love
• More fun
• More relaxing
• More reading
• More experience
• More good health
• More time making a positive difference to others
• More courage
• More music
• More learning
• More time outside

• Less stress
• Less worry
• Less clutter in my house
• Less fear of 'what ifs'
• Less junk food (that's going to be really tough)
• Less moaning  
• Less selfishness
• Less comparison
• Less materialism
• Less envy

It's a pretty long list and it won't be easy. I am already incredibly blessed and in so many ways love the life I have but I want to live life abundantly and fully and with a bit more of some things and a bit less of others I think life can get even better.

Anyone else fancy joining me in the challenge?

It's been a while...

It's been long time since I last posted anything on this blog. Life gets pretty busy and I also haven't quite known what to write. A lot has happened but it doesn't feel appropriate to bare all on here so I've stayed silent. I thought I'd just give you a bit of an update.

Today marks the end of a lovely week of annual leave. Work has been busy and tiring and it definitely felt like time to have a break. Luckily J was due some annual leave too so this week we have been able to recharge the batteries. We've had some great family time with O, eaten some yummy food, spent time with loved ones, read books and watched lots of films. I also made sure that everything is ready for Christmas as we are not going to have much time to prepare this week as we will be back at work. I am ending the week by going to the carol service at church and eating a home made slow cooked beef bourginon.

On the eve of returning to work, I have the same feeling I used to get as a student the night before term started, although with Christmas in the next few days it'll be a couple of weeks before 'normality' resumes.

O is continuing to flourish. She has a wonderful sense of humour and fun and for the most part is an absolute joy to be around. Despite a temper that appears whenever she can't get what she wants, I love being around her and it has been great to spend more time with her this week. I feel the guilt of being a working mum returning as I think about all I need to do for work tomorrow but I am hoping that in the long run working will be the right choice.

But for now I am going to enjoy the last few hours of my annual leave.

The restorative powers of home comforts

Having had a lovely relaxing weekend spending time with family and friends sitting in front of open fires, Christmas shopping and eating delicious food, this week has given J and I swift kick in the teeth.

Long working hours, a cold that refuses to go and a fallen through house move have left me feeling less than sprightly. Emotions are just about being held together, my face has broken out in spots and I feel like I could sleep for a week.

This is a storm that I know will pass and so life needs to be made as comfortable as possible whilst we wait for things to settle and a feeling of normality to resume.

So to make this evening as comfortable as possible I have indulged in a really long hot shower, fleecey pyjamas and the ultimate comfort food - slow cooked chicken stew and dumplings.

I flippin' love my slow cooker! Chuck in a load of meat and veg, some stock and a bottle of wine, put it on high for a few hours and hey presto! A warming, delicious and healthy dinner. Served with some dumplings chucked into the pot for the last hour and a hunk of warm buttered bread and I am instantly relaxed. It's a big cosy hug in a bowl and has lifted my stressy mood.

Thank goodness I made enough for tomorrow!

I love my dressing gown and other things

The dreaded cold virus has again hit Harriss cottage. O has woken up the past two mornings all snuffly and snotty and I am in the midst of that cold sweats/hots sweats/shaking thing. Having had a restless night, a throat that feels like I've swallowed a razor and a stuffy headache I made the decision to take a sick day and stay at home. I am not one of those people who tries to be 'noble' and drag myself into work no matter how rough I feel. I am 'an incubus of viral plague' (to quote Meryl Streep in the Devil wears Prada) and if you want to stay healthy, you'll be glad I stayed at home and kept my germs to myself.

Despite feeling as rough as a badger's backside, I often find these times to take stock of how blessed I am. Today I am grateful for the following:

• Comfy clothes. I am currently dressed in my baggiest pyjamas and dressing gown and it's 2 in the afternoon but I feel no shame. I am ill and want to feel cosy.

• Telly. Yes I know it's not stretching my mind, that I should be reading a book/crafting something spectacular/doing something meaningful but I love telly. There I said it. Oh, and I'm ill so I don't have the energy for anything else.

• Nursery. I never thought I'd say it but I am so glad that O is at nursery today. I know that she is safe and will be sufficiently fed and entertained and is not having to spend the day with a slightly grouchy mother.

• Walkers salt and vinegar crisps. They are the champion of crisps.

• A good comfy sofa. A snuggly chair is vital for fighting those winter germs. A sofa allows sufficient space to create a wallowing pit filled with the necessities of boxes of tissues, lozengers,  remote control and chocolate.

• A rest. Don't get me wrong. I am not happy to feel unwell but I am grateful for a forced opportunity to stop and rest my body and mind.

• Sick pay. I am very fortunate to be in job that allows me some paid sick leave. I know that this is not the case for thousands of others.

• The freedom to take an afternoon nap. Those with small children will appreciate what a luxury this is.

So bizarrly not a bad day at all :-)

In need of a cleaning fairy...

I'm a huge believer that your immediate surroundings affect how you feel. I know this to be true because my house is currently cluttered, disorganised and full and my mind is currently cluttered, disorganised and full. It's time for a physical and mental clearout.

I'm trying to strip back all that stuff that makes life busier and more chaotic than I'd like.

I'm starting with a physical declutter. We have so much stuff in our house. Our cupboards and drawers overflow with clothes, household items and unfiled papers. Our lounge could easily be confused with a toy shop and every available surface is covered. Now don't get me wrong, we live in a nice house, it's certainly not a hovel but I'm fed up of having so many things that aren't needed.

Now I'm not about to become minimalist to the point of owning only one set of clothes and a toothbrush but I do want to feel less overwhelmed by all the stuff around me. Consumption is a condition of living but having two chocolate fountains is going a bit overboard for my liking. So I am planning a clearout. On Saturday I took three bags of items to the charity shop. There is more stuff to follow over the next few weeks as well as a few bits to sell online. J has started sorting through our paperwork and I plan to pack away all of O's baby clothes that no longer fit. Some things will be sent to the tip and items that are no longer useable will be recycled or binned.

Going forward I want to get out of the trap of surrounding myself with tat and put my energy and resources to better use.

This also contributes to my overall masterplan of a richer but simpler life. Less stuff means less financial stress, less worrying, less maintenance of stuff and therefore more time to spend with the people we love, doing the things we enjoy whilst putting slightly less strain on the planet.

Easier said than done I expect...

Crazy busy

Life is still flying by at warp speed. With a job requiring lots of energy and travel, a pending house move, running a home with seemingly endless tasks, being a trustee of a charity and trying to maintain my roles as a wife and mum, I can say with certainty that I am pooped.

Since going back to work, it's especially important that weekends are reserved for quality time with family and friends and resting.

Despite working part time, I'm still figuring out the best way to achieve a work/life balance that I'm happy with. I suspect that things won't feel as settled as I'd like until we've moved house so may have to reside in a space that doesn't quite feel comfortable for a while. It's also taking much longer to feel settled in my new job than I'd like. Six weeks in and I still feel incredibly anxious about going to work. Although when I'm at work I don't mind it and think that I do a pretty good job, I still yearn to be home with my baby. People keep telling me it'll get easier and so I'm hoping that will be the case in the near future.

So as I sit on the cusp of a new week, I am thankful for this weekend which has involved time with precious friends, excellent food, laughter and the occasional nap.

Not the Friday night I had planned...

I knew it would happen. First O had it, then J had it and my colleagues had it so it was only a matter of time before I was struck down with a cold. I could feel it brewing over the past few days but finally this morning I woke up and felt like rubbish. Not only rubbish because I have a sore throat, delicate stomach and my body's doing the whole hot/cold thing but rubbish because tonight I was meant to be out with J having dinner with some of my dearest friends. With a little one, evenings out are few and far between so I had been looking forward to tonight for weeks. That, plus the fact I have been desperate to try the restaurant hosting tonight's festivities and I am especially peeved. I have been looking forward to eating that pulled pork for ages!

I am consoling myself by wearing my favourite snuggly clothes and watching episodes of Silk on netflix.  It's kind of helping but not really. Never mind, hopefully I'll feel better soon and I can arrange a return trip to the restaurant with my lovely pals.

In other news, work is going well but is exhausting and I feel like I am haemorraging my hard earned money on commuting to work and paying for childcare so that I can be at work. It's the first time in my life I've really had to really pay out to go work (or thought about it) and it's frustrating me. My frugal quest therefore continues as I search for other ways to save money. I am also hoping this will get me into better financial habits as we will hopefully soon be moving into our renovation project and will need to save some serious cash to do the work we want to do. I am in no way as frugal as some but I'm making improvements and will hopefully become more self disciplined and less wasteful in the process. If anyone has any tips on saving money, I'd love to hear them :-)

Anyway, I am back off to my pity party. I promise to stop writing so many moany rants soon!

Craving simplicity

OK, confession time...
I have just had a meltdown. My husband didn't know what hit him when I just turned into an angry, crying mess. I'm embarassed but should have seen it coming. The day started for me at 2.45am when O started screaming and consequently decided that she would absolutely not fall asleep in her bed and needed to be held until the sun came up. Team that with adjusting to a new job which involves a much longer commute than I'd like and being in the middle of buying and selling houses and it was only a matter of time before I exploded. And explode I did. I am so exhausted. Why are things so complicated? Why am I struggling with things other people seem to sail through?

I used to want so much, a big house, luxury travel, lots of money, a successful career, a family and a busy social life. What I actually want is a home I can grow old in with my family and friends around me, enough money to get by and simplicity. I don't want life to be so busy. I don't care about keeping up with the Jones' but want to feel settled. I hate the uncertainty moving house brings, I hate feeling like I haven't got time to be the wife, mother, daughter and friend I want to be and I want to feel freer.

I know that life is seasonal, that the issues that feel so frustrating at the moment will get resolved. Life will move on and that things will feel calmer.

But for now I am throwing my toys out of my pram and praying for some miracles.

Got to stop focussing on the negatives

Today started as one of those days where I just felt a bit grumpy. Not really sure why but everything was bugging me and all I could focus on was the negative stuff -

▶ The house still hasn't sold despite almost 20 viewings
▶ I can't afford my 'forever' house
▶ I haven't been on holiday abroad for over two years
▶ I haven't gone out for dinner/to the theatre/cinema/to a gig for what feels likes ages
▶ I am a bad wife/mother/daughter/friend etc
▶ I am not thin enough
▶ I am not stylish enough

All of this negativity is exhausting and made me even grumpier.

Now I know in reality that these things are not true/unimportant. I know that the house will sell, that we will move house. I know that I will get more opportunities to go out or go on holidays. I know deep down that I am not a terrible wife/mother etc and I know that it doesn't really matter what I look like to the people who love me. I know that  I have a pretty good life. I have brilliant family and friends and enough to get by. However knowing can be very different from feeling.

There was only one thing for it and that thing was a family trip out to a cafe to eat a piece of treacle tart followed by a mooch around John Lewis. My irks are not resolved (I am certainly not going to get any thinner by consoling myself with treacle tart) but I am trying to get things into perspective.

Is it just me that has days like this?

Count your blessings

There's nothing like an episode of diy sos to help you put things things in perspective. It's also made me realise a couple of things. Firstly, I am a little bit in love with Charlie Luxton (sorry J :-) ) and secondly that since becoming a mother I can no longer watch emotive stories involving children without getting a little hysterical.  Most importantly however is that fact that after watching such programmes, I suddenly realise how good I've got it. After all, I've got an amazing husband and daughter, brilliant family and friends, pretty good health, a warm roof over my head, food on the table, clean water and loads of other things that make me one of the most fortunate people on the planet.

Spend a little time thinking about all of the good things in your life. We can spend so much time focussing on all the things we want to be different that we forget to look at the great stuff.

Love thy neighbour

J and I have owned our house for 7 years. Our house is only one of two on our street but being in an residential area, we have lots of other houses only a stone's throw away. Being part of a community has always been important to me but I have come to the realisation that I'm a bit crap at it. During the past seven years J and I have always been polite and considerate to those living around us. We say hello if our paths cross and try not to make too much noise if we have guests. We have gotten to know the family next door fairly well, but I couldn't tell you much about anyone else living in close proximity to us. That is until recently. ..

One of the things often on my mind is not only my desire to live in closer community but to try to be a person who is generous with my time, supporting, encouraging and showing love to those around me. I try to do this with my family and friends (although still have a way to go) but I have neglected those people that I see almost on a daily basis, living yards away from my front door.

The strange thing is that since we started thinking about putting the house on the market, opportunities to start building relationships in my community have presented themselves.

On the corner of our road is a house that is crumbling away. The paint has long peeled off the windows, there are large cracks in the walls and the garden is overgrown with weeds that are no longer being contained by the inadequate fencing. The house is owned by an elderly man who often stands outside his house watching the world go by. I have often said hello to him whilst walking past but a few weeks ago decided to stop and chat. It was a brilliant and heartbreaking experience all at the same time. In 20 minutes, I had learnt stories of this man's life, stories of this area in which he has lived for over 60 years and more importantly that he feels lonely. His wife has died, he lives away from family and is alone. The only break in his isolation is the daily visit from his carer. As we ended our conversation he thanked me for stopping to talk to him and I walked away with tears in my eyes.

Today we had an unexpected visit from a woman whose garden backs onto ours. She had noticed that our car had a flat tyre and knocked at the door to let us know. My husband invited her in for a cup of tea and 30 minutes later had been let into her world and found yet again that we live yards from someone who is desperately lonely.

There is a saying that one of the lonliest places to be is in a crowd but I am mortified to find that I have been part of that crowd. I have not yet figured out what I am going to do about this but I do feel challenged to do something.

I also want to challenge you. Do you know your neighbours?  What part could you play in making someone's life less lonely? How could you encourage those around you? How can you show kindness to others? In a society that promotes independance (isolation), could you play a part in community building?

I'd love to hear your experiences and ideas!

Life in the fast lane

Hi there! Long time no see!

Things have been very busy here over the past few weeks. I haven't quite got through the woods yet but am making headway so I thought I'd update you all on some of what's been happening.

Big news is that I've been offered a new job! Hoorah! It's a super opportunity with a brilliant national charity and should give me a great work/life balance. I will hopefully be starting in the next few weeks :-)

J and I are also in the process of trying to sell our house. We've had lots of viewings but no offers yet. The whole thing is pretty stressful as it raises questions about finances, our priorities as a family, finding a house to meet our needs, as well as having keep the house constantly tidy incase a viewer needs to come round in 5 minutes. The desire to get our house sold has a bigger sense of urgency than in previous weeks as we've found somewhere we'd like to buy. I've already decorated bits of it in my head and will be really disappointed if we don't get it but I'll have to trust that if it's not meant to be ours it's because something better will be coming along.

Amidst the requirement for a permanently tidy house we did however find time to throw O her first birthday party! Argh she's a whole year old! Despite her not realising it was her birthday, it was a good excuse to see family and friends as well as bake and consume an AMAZING owl shaped chocolate birthday cake. We also took a trip to the park where O spent an enjoyable hour on the swings. This was followed by the quickest party tidy up ever as of course we had a viewer who could only see the house in an hours time...

Team all this stuff with lots of time with family and friends, a camping/caravanning break, picnics and 3 birthday parties and it's fair to say that there hasn't felt like much time to blog.

I promise not to leave it so long next time!

Living the good life on as little money as possible

One of the scary things about resigning from your job without another to go to is the realisation that you will have a lot less money. Now there's something about this that appeals to me as I really dislike how money focussed society is but at the same time I'd like enough to get by whilst being able to have the occasional treat and beautiful shoes.

I also don't want O to grow up thinking that she needs lots of money or stuff to be happy. Even before making the decision to quit my job, I had very strong opinions that I don't want her to be surrounded with piles of toys. I want her to really appreciate and use what she has and be able to play imaginatively. I am so looking forward to us building tents out of bedsheets, making 'rose perfume' (those who did this know it's amazing!), making robot costumes out of boxes and reading fabulous stories from my childhood that I can't wait to share with her.

So I have decided to try and get better at being thrifty but still trying to make sure that life is full and exciting.

So far, so good.

I started my weekend with a trip to Lidl. I have heard mixed reviews but have some friends who use Aldi and Lidl regularly so decided to give it a go. I was very impressed with how much I got for my money. Just over £17 bought me...
Steak
2 packs butchers style sausages
Bacon lardons
2 cartons of peach juice
Potatoes
Peppers
Satsumas
Strawberries
Bread
Salad

Pretty good going I thought, and the thriftiness didn't stop there. We enjoyed some excellent free entertainment including a trip to the park, a walk to the beach (I love living by the sea) and seeing wonderful friends.

We were also very fortunate to be given some lovely gifts which will be enjoyed over the next few weeks. These included...
Home grown runner beans
Freshly foraged blackberries
Home made blackberry jam
A box of maltesers
A big bag of milky buttons
Locally pressed apple juice
A huge box of tic tacs (those who know me know that this is a particularly fitting gift)

We are so fortunate to have such brillianty generous people in our lives and I really much appreciate the variety of goodies we now have to tuck into!

So all in all, had a pretty low key and cheap weekend but one that felt very rich.

New beginnings

I'm in one of those periods of life where it feels like everything is changing. Everything is feeling exciting but very unsettled and uncertain. It all feels needed though.

One of the biggest/most exciting/most terrifying things has happened is that I have handed my notice in at work. Since going back to work things have been extremely difficult for a variety of reasons but in essence I felt that my job was no longer tenable and I didn't want to spend my time feeling so worried/frustrated/stressed about it any more. So I took a leap of faith, resigned and breathed a huge sigh of relief. I have no idea what I am going to do now. I have applied for a few jobs and had what felt like a promising interview (I'll find out if I was successful next week) but I have absolutely no idea what is coming next. It feels exciting and scary at the same time. Luckily having a faith comes in pretty handy at this point although every part of my rational brain is urging me to freak out. I feel like I should be worrying about getting a new job, getting money etc but it doesn't worry me. I fully believe that my family and I will always have enough because my faith tells me not to worry. Please don't confuse this with a sense of entitlement or laziness because its not but I do feel a peace that we will have what we need.  I have no idea what I am meant to be doing next. Maybe a job will come along, maybe I'll be a stay at home mum for a while but either way it feels like a chance to have a new fresh start, get rid of some of the negative things in my life and move onto something new.

I have talked previously about my want to live an abundant and exciting life and I felt like a difficult work situation was one of the things getting in the way. Whilst I know that sometimes there are things in life that we don't want to do, sometimes we also need to take charge of our lives and make a change.

Who knows what will happen?!

Another lazy weekend filled with musings

Another tough week has been rewarded with the weekend. Saturday was a day of cleaning the house, playing with O, eating homemade bolognese pizzas and watching Twister (always love a 90's tastic film as an early Saturday evening treat). Sunday was a morning at church, a roast dinner in my mum's garden and by far one of the biggest treats ever....an afternoon nap! I can't remember if I've blogged about the joys of afternoon nap but it has become a thing of serious luxury. Now I love my little girl to bits but after a massive Sunday lunch all I want to do is plonk myself in a comfy chair and doze off whilst watching a murder mystery on ITV 3. Unless by some miracle O has worn herself out, Sunday afternoons are now filled with building towers out of stacking cups, blowing raspberries on O's tummy and preventing her from launching herself off/over any piece of furniture that she has decided is now a climbing frame. I love it, I really do but today when my mum suggested taking O out for a walk to give J and I the chance to snooze in the garden, we couldn't get them out of the door fast enough ! It was blissful.

One of the things I often worry about is that I don't live my life fully enough. I spend a lot of time feeling like I should be busier like I should be packing more adventurous, exciting things into my time. Social media adds fuel to the fire as I see exotic holidays, nights out drinking cocktails, people that seem more creative than me, people who look better than ke, people who have 'exciting' jobs and I find myself comparing. Horrible but true. I sometimes fail to see the richness of my life because I often think I do more, I should be more than I am.

However this weekend life felt full, it felt rich with life and it was good.

Finding calm in the storm

It's finally here. The storm that has been brewing has finally cut it's way through the searing, humidity to bring the cleansing and life giving rain and I am loving it. I love the low rumbles of the thunder, the icy blue landscape that is shown for a fraction of a second with each lightening bolt and the glorious sound of the heavy rain. As I sit in my home with the lights down low, a film on the telly and the storm in the background, I feel a much needed contentment and sense of calm.

A great end to a not so great week.

Saturdaytastic!

During my week I often think about things I could blog about. These are often important deep and meaningful things that challenge me about life. However when it comes to actually typing about it writers block kicks in and I end up writing about something else (usually trivial). Today is no exception. Well apart from the fact I have nothing deep and meaningful but just fancied writing so I thought I'd share a bit about my day (if anyone's interested).

Saturdays are fast becoming my favourite day of the week. Mainly because I get a whole day with J and O without the feeling of work approaching doom that comes with Sunday.

So today went as follows;

Had a lay in until 9.50 (thank you J for getting up with O, I am SO grateful! ). We all spent the day in our pjs watching telly and playing. Whilst this may sound slobby, I love it. I find a huge amount of joy in being able to sit on the sofa in a pair of fleecy baggy trousers with an elasticated waist and have spent many a Saturday in such a state. Today we discovered BBC 2's new drama 'The Honourable Woman' on i-player. I'm hooked, I think it's going to be a really good series which will be very welcome after the disappointment of the new series' of 24 and Hannibal.

Anyway, slobbing, eating and playtime was followed by a quick clean and tidy up (stuff shoved in drawers and a spritz of antibacterial spray around the house). We then got dressed and went to my mums for fajitas (a staple Saturday night dinner in my family).

Dinner wolfed down and a bag of food to bring home(thanks mum!), we returned to our house to get O to bed and again I find myself sat in my pjs watching telly.

As I predicted yesterday, there were times today when I wished I were doing something more 'significant'. Times when I compared myself to others, times spent daydreaming about other places but when it comes down to it, a relaxed day at home with my beloved family is a rich and abundant day.

Hope you're enjoying your Saturday!

Living for the weekend!

Just a short post this evening.... I am SO glad it's Friday! I need this weekend. I need to relax. I need to spend time with my family and friends. I need to just be.

It's been another difficult and busy week. I am feeling the weight of responsibility and frustration bear down on me as I continue to juggle family life and an increasingly demanding job. I feel exhausted and overwhelmed and so the opportunity for two days at home with family is a very very welcome arrival.

In essence the plans are as follows: eat, sleep, play with O, spend time with J, watch telly, go to church and see friends.

I am sure that I will feel like I should be doing more with my weekend. I'm sure that at some point I will feel jealous of the exciting things I see people doing this weekend when I look on facebook. However this weekend, I need simplicity. And that is just splendid.

Moan, moan, moan

Hey readers,

My apologies for not writing for such a long time. Things have been super busy. I am not going to say too much at the moment in case things don't go to plan but let's just say there may be some exciting and scary changes happening in the near future.

Work is exhausting and I am failing miserably in the quest for a work/life balance. Despite working part time, there are lots of things going on at work and to say it is stressful feels like an understatement. Thoughts of work are permeating most aspects of life and thus I feel like an emotional and physical wreck most of the time. This is certainly not what I imagined being a working mum would be like. It saddens me because I used to enjoy my job and it saddens me because I don't feel fully present when I am at home with my family. I am frustrated that this is the shape of my life for the time being and frustrated that I can't control the physical symptoms of stress that I am experiencing. I am sure that I am not unique in feeling like this but I just hate it. It has however felt like a splendid excuse to watch ridiculous amounts of not so great telly (watching a 'well balanced, non-biased'  channel 5 documentary on benefits claimants as I write) and eat double chocolate cookies whilst sitting in my pyjamas.

Something needs to change and so J and I have been having some serious conversations about a way forward. I know that I want to be in place where I feel at peace and content with life. I want to fully enjoy the time I have with my friends and family. I am learning that I don't need much to be happy and that actually I am more suited to a simple life.

So J and I have come up with some potential solutions which feels like a step forward but until we are more certain about what to do, I am going to leave you in suspense for the time being....

Joy is a choice....

I read this phrase today on a chalkboard in someone's kitchen and it got me thinking about the week that has just been. It was my first week back at work after a brilliant period of maternity leave. It was one of the hardest weeks I have ever experienced. This week has been punctuated with tears, panic attacks, a parking ticket and swearing.  Not great but I got through it. Being joyful has not been on my list as I have battled through the week feeling frustrated that certain parts of life are not how I want them to be.

The thing is, the things that I would like to be different are not going to happen in the near future so do I carry on being miserable or do I choose to be joyful. I choose joy.

I do not expect this to be the easiest route but I do know that I don't want to wallow in self pity, sounding like a broken record on repeat as I constantly moan. It's boring for everyone around me, boring for me and completely unhealthy. So I am going to endeavour to find the joy in my situation and be more thankful for it. Having considered this point, here are some of the things I am thankful for...

• I have a job that allows me to pay the bills, live in a comfortable home, eat 3 meals a day and have the occasional treat. The current economic climate means that so many are not able to make ends meet so I must find the joy in the fact that we have enough money to live well.

• I work part time. I am fortunate that I can earn as much as I need on part time hours which means I get to spend more time with my family and friends.

• The joy on my daughter's face when I get home from work. This is a reward like no other.

• I work with some cracking people. It makes the time at work a bit easier.

• Being back at work has helped me to feel like I am moving towards that place I want to be (in a 'forever' family home and finacial comfortable).

I know that I will not always remember these things. I know that I will still find going to work hard, that I will still cry about it, that the panic attacks will come again but I am going to try and be more joyful.

I choose joy.

The end of maternity leave approacheth....

So the title explains it all really. I am back to work on Monday. The need to refine my time keeping skills is here as I know that I have to get O and myself ready and out of the house on time so that I am not late to the office. I have been preparing myself for the fact that I am no longer going to get to spend as much time with O as I'd like and that I am likely to miss some of her 'firsts'. I am swapping my pj's and jeans for office wear and my telly for Microsoft Outlook.

I have absolutely LOVED maternity leave. Every single minute of it and so I have been dragging out this last week as much as I possibly can. J has been on annual leave and we've had a staycation filled with family time, sunshiney walks, Breaking Bad and cake. We've also taken care of a few householdy jobs that have been waiting to be finished and have overlooked others for another time.

It feels strange to be rejoining the rat race, particularly in the knowledge of the beautiful tiny person I will be leaving behind to do so but I am hoping it will be a positive experience for us both. I suspect that there will be some tears and tantrums in the first few weeks (from me, not O) but I am told it gets easier.

For now though, I am going to just enjoy the sunshine and the weekend.

A simple but wonderful weekend

I've had one of those weekends that was completely chilled. No particular plans resulted in a Saturday going out for lunch with J and O, wandering around gardens centres, watching films and a few episodes of House of Cards (hooray for Netflix!) and eating roast gammon whilst listening to jazz. Sunday was a morning at church followed by an impromtu family lunch and a walk around the nicer parts of the area I live in lusting after houses I can't afford. A few more episodes of House of Cards and I am now sat in my pjs writing this blog. Nothing extravagent, nothing extraordinary but cosy and comfortable.

Whilst I love getting out and about experiencing new people and places, I also love these times of spontenaiety and relaxation.

This was just the weekend I needed as I prepare for a busy week. I've got three work related meetings to go to in preparation for the end of my maternity leave in two weeks (argh!). This might not sound like much to those of you working your socks off in busy jobs but they will be long and complex meetings. I will have lots of information to process and after almost a year away am finding it quite daunting to be getting back into the swing of working with the new addition of being responsible for a small but demanding human.

I sure all will work out, but for now I am just going to enjoy my lack of plans.

The art of distraction...

I am writing this blog as a lame attempt to distract myself from eating the bag of chocolate buttons that is currently sat in my cupboard. They are taunting me with their sugary goodness and I am very close to giving in.

Do not feel sorry for me. Since Friday I have already consumed a chocolate and cherry brownie with salted caramel and ice cream (an anniversary dinner treat), a bag of marshmallow crispie bites (because I happend to walk past Costas) and a slice of gluten free chocolate cake (because I was at a birthday party). The weight loss plan has seriously suffered and I don't need any more sugar. I don't need any more sugar. I don't need any more sugar.

The diet has been slow and steady but things are going in the right direction. I am four pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight but would like to lose a little more and I'd like to get there sooner rather than later. A much awaited trip to the physio this week will hopefully start to get rid of sciatic pain that I've had since pregnancy meaning that I might be able to move about without hobbling like an old lady and do a bit more exercise. (In my head I like to exercise, in the real world I do not but it would at least be nice to have the option!)

I am now starting to feel thinner and some clothes are starting to feel looser but there is still a way to go. So I will NOT eat those chocolate buttons!

The small but wonderful things part 5

Happy bank holiday weekend everyone! I hope you've had a lovely week.

It's felt like a pretty busy week here. Although on paper I can't say I've done loads, O is tearing around the place which has meant I've been tearing around after her trying to make sure she doesn't whack her head on something,  or eat something she's found on the floor or empty every shelf within reach. It's exhausting!

This weekend marked my fifth wedding anniversary so my wonderful things this week are going to be marriage/anniversary focussed.

• A baby free night. My husband and I were privileged to be given a night away as an anniversary gift. There was tons of stuff about this that was brilliant; - not having to constantly watch a baby, afternoon naps when we liked, sleeping until we woke up, eating out, having someone else prepare breakfast. Lovely.

• Laughter. I am very fortunate in the fact that my husband and I laugh a lot. I don't take this for granted and I hope that we continue to find stupid things funny.

• Compromise. My husband and I moved in together on our wedding day. To many I know that this sounds old fashioned but it meant that when we got married a new chapter really started. There was a tangible change. This also meant really practising the art of compromise as we learnt to live in the same house. There are things about the way each of us lives/behaves that drive each other up the wall. I have a messy tendancy and don't have any housekeeping routines. J hates doing any form of diy and prefers to meal plan. We both get frustrated at each other about these things (and others) but we compromise. We work around them. For us these things, although annoying, are not deal breakers. I appreciate that we can both make compromises.

• Choice. One of the best things about the relationship I have with J is that we know we are able to make choices with the support of the other. Having worked with survivors of abuse and violence, I realise the power of being able to make my own decisions. I believe this makes us stronger because at the base of our relationship is the fact that we choose to be together and to make it work.

The reality is that I don't actually see any of these things as 'small' but they are wonderful because they help to sustain our marriage in a healthy way. It's not always easy and we sometimes both feel like the grass might be greener somewhere else but I wouldn't change any of it :-)

The small but wonderful things part 4

So what wonderful things have happened this week?

• Warm sunny days. Need I say more?

• My little girl giving me kisses. By kisses I mean when I say 'can I have a kiss', she puts her lips to mine. Often dribbly (her not me) but just the cutest thing ever!

• My new straw trilby hat. My old one was somewhat destroyed during a flight home from italy two years ago. I finally got a new one to accompany my summer wardrobe (by summer wardrobe, I mean the tops that are usually worn with jumpers will not be worn with jumpers. Oh, and I have a few skirts and dresses that are only worn when the sun shines).

• Chocolate cake. I know I have mentioned it before, but is there ever a time where cake doesn't brighten one's day?!

Hope you've all had a lovely week!

Aaaand breathe....

Life can be so fast paced can't it? As we struggle to balance work life, home life, relationships, time with friends and family etc it can sometimes be difficult to feel like we are living at all amidst the differents facets of our lives. Days, weeks and months whizz by and I often wonder what on earth I actually did with my time. Did I savour that time and fully enjoy it or did I not really pay any attention and let it pass by. Too often its the latter.

Now I am in no way saying we should stop to savour every single moment of our lives or we'd never get anything done but I do feel I want to challenge you (and me) to think about the quality of our lives. Are we making the most of it? Are we fully investing in and enjoying our relationships and the experiences we have?

Something I often long for is a slower pace of life. A pace of life in which I fully enjoy the relationships I have, the places I visit, the things I experience and the food that I eat. Too often these things are overlooked because I am thinking about what I have to do, what I think I should be doing and sometimes what I'd rather be doing. I rarely stop to just be and enjoy.

This weekend presented an opportunity to really put these thoughts into practice. As I've previously written, my mum is a keen gardener so for Chrismas J and I bought her a day out at a garden she'd spent years watching and being inspired by on Gardener's World. It was a great opportunity for my mum and I to spend some time together so we booked out a whole day to wander and sit. Stunning weather was perfectly timed as we looked around the gardens, stopping of course for lunch and cake breaks. It was like time slowed down and not only did we have time to walk around the gardens but time to sit in them. I noticed that at first I found this a little hard as I felt I should be on the move, looking around. Then however I realised that I could appreciate the gardens and the time with my mum more by stopping to enjoy it.

So I challenge you readers to stop and enjoy life for a bit. Everything else can be done later.

The small but wonderful things part 3

It's been a while since I've posted in this mini series so apologies.

It's been quite a tough few weeks (for a couple of reasons that I won't bore you with) coinciding with a tetchy teething baby who wants to explore anything and everything.  She's completely fearless, despite a headbump after launching herself out of my arms and has been climbing all over the place whist I watch her, terrified that she'll attempt a death defying stunt. Her mood has been on a knife edge and so my attempts to keep her safe by moving her or putting her in her playpen have been met with temper tantrums, screaming and actual tears. I'm exhausted. My brilliant husband has been great over the weekend and took her out for a long walk as a final attempt to pacify her cries. I stayed at home and just sat in silence.

Having had my moan I can still say that I wouldn't change my baby for anything and have been able to enjoy some of the small but wonderful things during the past few weeks....

• Tapas. I love tapas, especially in the sunshine overlooking the beach. A rather unusually sunny and free Tuesday meant J, O and I went out for lunch. O slept in her pram whilst J and I troughed our way through a selection of scrummy tapas.

• My aging but faithful car had it's MOT and I usually dread this event due to the list of expensive repairs that need to be done on my car. This year I was delighted to be told that my car needed a new.... wiper blade. Result. I can afford that :-)

• The fact that 'Jack is back'. If you don't understand this phrase, you probably won't care and if you do, you probably will.

• Chocolate raisins. I just love them.

I'd love to hear about the small but wonderful things in your lives. Feel free to comment if the mood takes you!

The wannabee minimalist

This post is a bit of a rant. A rant about the state of my house. Now, I realise I am partly to blame for this but I am being driven mad by the amount of stuff in my house. Everywhere I look there is stuff and I am desperately wanting to get rid of it. I sense a clearout is looming...

There is lots of stuff in our home that is necessary and needed for living such as clothes, cooking stuff, cleaning stuff and baby stuff. There is lots of stuff in our house that isn't necessary but allows us to have a nice quality of life like books, cds, dvds and musical instruments. Then there is the stuff that has crept it's way into the house but isn't really used like ornaments, 2 chocolate fountains and all that stuff that's kept 'just in case'.

I often feel horrified by the level of materialism in our society but as I look around my house I realise my morals and values are not being reflected in my own lifestyle and I want this to change. I also believe there is a strong link between our mental health and the environment we live in. I cannot always change what happens outsde my house but I can change the environment in my house. I am hoping a less cluttered home equals a less cluttered mind and I could certainly do with feeling a bit lighter. I also want O to grow up realising that life is more than the amount she accumulates or consumes. I hope that she will be considerate of the impact her lifestyle has on the world and that she will be able to find contentment in what she has rather than wishing she had something else. This is something I know I have a tendancy to do but I feel more challenged about it knowing that I am now responsible for another human being.

I feel like the time is here to really tackle the amount of stuff in my house. I suspect the charity shop will be getting a few boxes of stuff in the near future and I am look forward to walking through rooms without having to step over or around things!

Kate the terrible dieter...

For the past couple of weeks operation 'lost the pregnancy weight' has not been going to plan. I had lost about half a stone and then sort of plateaued (which is ok as the weight was staying off). Then disaster hit. I've been feeling a bit out of sorts over the past few weeks and as such haven't had much of an appetite which has meant I haven't really fancied troughing on junk food much. The disaster has been the return of my appetite.  An appetite that has been craving the three dreaded c's - carbs, cheese and chocolate. Due to recent visits from the easter bunny we've had chocolate in the house and I haven't shyed away from eating as much as I can without breaking into my husband's eater egg. I also haven't shyed away from eating delicious garlic bread, potatos, enchiladas, pasta, sandwiches all with a generous helping of cheese. My portion sizes have increased pushing my waistline with it. Now I am not going to get overly dramatic about it, after all it has been a real treat not to calorie count but I was a little upset to see an extra 2 pounds on the scales this morning.

I want to get back on track. I did a three mile walk yesterday and intend to walk more. Unfortunately an 8 month bout of sciatica following my c section is somewhat limiting my ability to do much other exercise but with some physio (finally got referred by the GP) in the next month, I am hoping to be able to move and exercise more without wincing in pain.

I am also going to make changes to my diet. Having scoffed my way through 3 easter eggs there is no more chocolate around and I am planning to go back to limiting my carb and cheese intake.

I am planning to drink more water and eat more fruit and veg.

This weight will come off!

The small but wonderful things part 2

So firstly,  my apologies for being utterly cack at keeping up with this mini series. Life just gets so busy. Still at least having such a break allows me a plethora of small but wonderful things to choose from! Here are a few of my favourites:

• My daughter crawling to me when I ask her. At first I thought this was a fluke but over the past week it has become a daily occurance. It's just the best feeling to watch her wobbly crawls towards me whilst she beams at me with her dribbly giggly smile.

• Getting out into the garden. I have one of the most overlooked gardens in the world (seriously) but I love getting out into the garden and having a potter. Being a bit of a fairweather gardener has meant that I've been lapping up the dry and slightly sunny weather and spent time planting roses, a lilac, some irises, alstromeria and a few other goodies. I've been deadheading my gorgeous roses and weaving honeysuckle, passion flower and clematis onto my new trellises. It's one of my favourite hobbies as I can completely detach myself from the stresses of life and just be.

• Free dental care whilst on maternity leave. I don't particularly enjoy visiting the dentist, (although I do find it amusing to listen to her and the dental nurse answering the radio 2 quiz whilst I'm sat in the chair) but I have been fortunate to be able to coincide some expensive dental treatment with maternity leave which means its free! Wahoo, I don't have to pay to be terrified and in pain!

• New clothes. With lent over and the pregnancy weight slowly coming off (about half a stone so far) I have delighted in buying myself some new clothes and taking full advantage of the spring sales :-)

• The slow cooker. A brilliant invention that allows me to chuck a load of meat and veg into a pot, bathe it in red wine and herbs and create a delicious and low fat dinner that looks like I've made loads of effort when I really haven't :-)

Any small but wonderful things happened to you this week?

My inner rebel

There has always been a part of me that has wanted to be a bit unique and a bit cool. I don't really think that I am either of these things. The person who tries to be cool and unique generally isn't but I have given up any attempt to be either and opted for just going with what I like.

I often envy the image of the yummy mummy. You know who I'm talking about, the mum who owns a multitude of bretton stripes, skinny jeans and trainers. The mummy who still manages to do her hair and make up as well as ensure that the children are immaculately turned out. I am not that woman. I am never immaculate. Unless I am going somewhere really special, the most styling my hair gets is a quick blow dry and a brush through. My daily warpaint is a slick of mascara and lip balm. I'd love to be a yummy mummy but I'm not. This doesn't mean that I don't want to look ok when I leave the house so when the opportunity for a haircut appeared today I jumped at the chance.

I have a lovely hairdresser. Luckily I've known her for years so she's well aware of the fact that I do nothing to my hair. Everytime I walk in I remind her to cut my hair in a way that requires no styling. She must despair of me :-)

So today I walked in and really fancied a different cut. I've had a bob for a couple of years and it seems to work pretty well for me but it feels a bit boring now. So I opted to shave a chunk of my hair off. Bye bye boring hair! For the first time in a while I felt a bit fashionable and a bit edgy. And it feels good (perhaps I need to buy some new clothes too?).

One of the conundrums I am increasingly facing is how to be a mummy and still be me. Why do I feel like the two are difficult to marry? Why do I feel like I have to make myself fit into the 'yummy' category?! My new hair feels like part of this journey as I remind myself that I am still Kate and also a mum. And being both is great!

P.s I am writing this as I am cooking sausages. Either the blog or sausages will probably suffer at this multit-tasking. Apologies for any mistakes but I don't want a burnt sausage!

The end of Lent

So Easter weekend is drawing to a close. Chocolate has been eaten in abundance. Churches have (or haven't) been attended and those of us took part in lent are sighing breaths of relief (and gorging on whatever they had denied themselves for the past 40 days).

As you know I decided to give up 3 things during lent - buying clothes, nosing at properties for sale online and watching trash tv. I only succeeded in giving up one for the whole of lent (watching trash tv) but have learnt a few things along the way....

• In the past I have spent way too much time looking at and day dreaming about houses for sale. I managed nearly three weeks of not looking at properties online and eventually caved in. I didn't realise how much of a habit I had developed. Although I didn't manage the whole 40 days, I have looked online less which has given me back some time and (slightly) lessened my jealousy at what others have.

• I am thinking more about the clothes I am buying. I have never really been into 'fast fashion'. I struggle with the ethics around it and try to buy items that are a bit more timeless and better quality but I am partial to an impulse buy and am pretty good at justifying impulse purchases. Following lent, I realise even more that I don't actually NEED any more clothes so I am planning to properly wear out what I own and if i do buy something it should go with what I already own or replace something that has worn out (my new acid yellow shoes WILL go with things I already have!).

• I really don't miss trash tv. I have replaced trash tv with films and feel slightly more enriched watching them than I would watching a bunch of irritating women arguing over the fact they have to share a bedroom with their friends on holiday (trauma!).

• I need to develop my will power a bit more. Sticking to my lent committments was harder than I thought and I think in some cases I gave up too easily.

Must try harder next year.

The small but wonderful things part 1

As I have previously mentioned, I want to take more time to appreciate the simple things in life. There are loads when I think about it but here are some highlights from this week...

• Chocolate cake. As someone who is trying to lose weight, I am trying to avoid those naughty but totally delicious foods. I'm not doing too badly but after feeling a bit naff for a few days, I was presented with the opportunity to wolf down a rather large slice of homemade chocolate cake. With butter icing. It was AMAZING. And I don't feel guilty about eating it all.

• Time with friends. This really encompasses lots of small but wonderful things (watching films, eating beans on toast, having a good moan ) but time with friends is never to be underestimated. Time with good friends is balm for the soul.

• Nosing round gardens with my mum. My mum has been green fingered for as long as I can remember and as I have gotten older I have started to get more interested in gardening.  I have a small patch of garden which is a work in progress but when a local house decided to open its garden for charity this weekend, mum and I jumped at the chance. Thrown in with a bit of sunshine, a good natter and the previously mentioned chocolate cake and a cracking afternoon was had by all (well me and my mum).

• Nighttime indoor picnics. As I've previously discussed, the arrival of a baby significantly affects one's abilty to go out for an evening. In some ways it's not a problem.  My husband and I are usually so tired that we just sit gormlessly in front of the telly but this Friday evening needed something slightly different. So we put a blanket on the floor and had a picnic of fajitas whilst watching a film.  It was bloomin' lovely.

A pretty good week all in all.

The working mother conundrum....

Since before O was born, I have been trying to bury the fact that I have to go back to work. I have taken as much maternity leave as I can afford and am in the process of arranging the finer details of my return. Despite my attempts to surpress thoughts around work, it has never been far from my mind. I work in a busy and demanding job running a local charity and know that I won't have any time to readjust to working life before dealing with the numerous demands that will need to be addresssed. I will have to deal with the changes that have happened in my absence, the move of premises and the employment of new staff as well as just learning to be back in a working environment and carrying out my usual duties.

Before O arrived I assumed that I would have no problem going back to work, after all I like my job. Turns out I was wrong. I find myself with more problems than solutions as I try to negotiate a working pattern that suits both me and my employer. I find myself plagued with questions about what going back to work will like, how I will feel leaving O and whether I can work and be a good mother. I'm sure that all of the practical issues will be met with solutions but feelings can be so much more difficult to resolve can't they. How do I address the guilt at being away from O, the guilt of relying on others to care for her? How do I address the fear that I am likely to miss some of her firsts because I am not there and how do I still put in 100% at work when my priorities have so vastly changed? I feel totally daunted at the prospect of balancing work and parenthood and have found a genuine appreciation for those working families who manage to find that balance.

I am sincerely hoping that I am making a bigger deal of this than it will actually be, that being back at work will actually be easier than I am imagining it will be. What if it isn't?

Damn! Another question!

A night away from the littley

One of the things that happens when you have children is that your social life changes  when I say changes, I mean pretty much ceases to exist (particularly after 7pm when the baby has to go to bed). Now I was never one to be spend my entire week out 'on the razz', ( I like my bed too much) but I used to love spending an evening with friends going
out for dinner, having a drink in the pub or going to the theatre/gigs. Since having O, this kind of stuff is a rarer occurance and evenings are generally spent feeding and bathing baby, putting her to bed and then watching telly whilst I wait for the last load of washing to finish. Jealous huh?! In actual fact I quite like this new super relaxed pace of life but whenever the chance to go out for an evening happens, I jump at the chance!

Last Saturday offered such an opportunity so J and I packed O off to nana and grandad's for a sleepover. Not only did we have a baby free Saturday night but also a baby free Sunday morning!

Until you have children (or look after them for any length of time) it is difficult to understand the sheer joy of being able to shower and get ready at a leisurely pace. There is no fear of having to attend a screaming baby mid shower or having to hurry your make up, making you look like something out of Michael Jackson's 'Thriller'. You no longer have to worry about holding your baby away from you to avoid sick or bits of food being smeared over your nice outfit or hair. I tell you people, it's an absolute luxury and one that I celebrated with new make up and deliberately allowing myself two whole hours where the only thing I had to worry about was getting ready.

So armed with a face full of new make up, a new frock and a sequin covered handbag, I went off for a night of dancing, food and friends. Followed by a sleep that was not dictated by the routine of an eight month old. Bliss!

Now, I really did miss O, she's amazing and so much fun! In her absence, I had so much free time and a very quiet house and it was great to feel a bit like the old me again. The me, that goes out and dances at parties, the me that sleeps in late on a Sunday without interruption, the me that talks about things other than babies.

I wouldn't change being a mum, but sometimes it's brilliant to be baby free and dance the night away :-)

Not a bucket list bucket list....

I'm the kind of person who often thinks about all the things I'd like to experience during my lifetime. We are conditioned to consume as much as possible, travel as much as possible and fill our lives with as much as we can before our time in this world is up. We are told that by doing this we will be fulfilled and can often find ourselves comparing our lives to others. This combined with the knowledge that life is shorter than many of us would like makes us desperate to fill our lives with as much as we can so that we can feel like we are doing something with our lives and not wasting our time. The idea of putting together a bucket list (a list of things to do before you die) has become increasingly popular in our society and I have been suckered into putting together one of my own. However recently I have started to think about whether this is actually a healthy thing to do.

In creating a bucket list, are we setting ourselves up for disappointment if we are unable to complete our list?

Can we put so much pressure on completing our bucket list that we fail to truly enjoy life and the little things?

Can putting so much emphasis on completing a bucket list mean that every day life feels insignificant making us feel disappointed with daily life?

When I ponder these questions,  I find myself saying 'yes' to all of the above.

In reality, there is loads of stuff I'd like to do in life but I don't want to feel that crossing off items on my list means that I end up feeling disappointed with my day to day life. Nor do I want to miss the brilliant stuff in my daily life because I'm so preoccupied with my plans.

I want to look back on life and know that I was present in it, that I really noticed the things that matter. Now this doesn't mean that there isn't stuff I'd love to be able to do. I'd love to stay at Claridges, travel on the Orient Express, see the Northern Lights, take my children to Disneyland and go on a tropical holiday among many things but I don't want to stop ignoring the small things. With this in mind, I've decided to put a weekly post on this blog acknowledging the small but wonderful things in life. The stuff that may not seem like much but makes us feel alive and content. Things like, eating the last of a tiramisu from the dish with my husband (happened tonight after dinner) or taking a hot bath that's filled with scented oil (it feels like one of the ultimate luxuries).

I've not had many comments about this blog but as a nosey person I'd love to hear about the simple things in your life that you love.

Let's start to really appreciate the simple stuff.

The days that celebrates mums!

So today marks my first official mother's day as a mother. I thought this would be a good opportunity to share some of the things I love about my litte girl and being her mum...

★ How she gives me a huge smile when I go to get her out of her cot in the mornings

★ Hearing her amazing and infectious belly laugh

★ Watching her explore the world as she sees it for the first time

★ How she always ends up sleeping face down with her bum in the air

★ How she screws up her face when trying new flavours

★ Being able to soothe her when no-one else can

★ I can dress her as I please (mwahahaha!)

★ How she holds my hand or reaches for my face when I give her a bottle

★ Afternoon snuggles/naps in front of the tv

Now there are plenty of things that are difficult, frustrating or gross when parenting babies (explosive or leaking poo, sick/milk in your clothes/hair, a teething scream so shrill we have dogs waiting outside, the lounge looking like a toyshop). I miss being able to just 'pop' out. I feel sad that going to Waitrose on my own has become an exciting event and would love one day that wasn't bound by the feeding/pooing/sleeping routine of a baby. However I wouldn't change any of it because I have the awesome privilege of being O's mummy. I am so excited to see her grow and develop. I can't wait to share the things I know and love with her. I thank God for her and love the fact that I get to spend time with her each and every day (at least until she realises that I am not cool or that funny!).

Confession time

So all, I've have a confession.  Today I broke lent. I bought a dress. I bought it for the following reasons...

• I am going to a party in a couple of weeks and want to dress up a bit
• I tried on the pre pregnancy dresses I own that I wanted to wear and they don't fit (yet!)
• I tried on the dress I own that does fit and I looked like a sack of potatoes
• I want to feel good about myself when I go out for the evening

Therefore a new challenge was set: finding a dress that doesn't make me look like a sack of potatoes and that I feel good wearing. Shouldn't be too tricky right?!

I couldn't bear the thought of trawling the high street with a buggy (shopping with babies is too much faff for my liking) so I opted for a nice quick online shop. 3 hours later and I have found a dress that MIGHT, just might look ok.

I think the main problem was knowing how to shop for my post pregnancy body. Now I have never had a model figure but before having O, I knew what styles suited my body and could pretty confidently pick a dress that would suit me (in my opinion anyway!). Now however I have got no clue! I knew that having a baby would change my body but I was not prepared for how much! All of a sudden it's like everything has got bigger. Bigger stomach (pretty obvious really), bigger bum, bigger thighs, bigger boobs, bigger back, bigger arms, even bigger fingers! I don't know how to dress for this body other than cover as much as possible so that I don't scare people with my post caesarian gut! I don't know about other mums but I feel torn about this new figure. On one hand I know it's flippin' amazing. It grew another person and had survived the trauma of said person coming out (and it really was a trauma). It's a miracle how much my body has achieved and yet I look at my body and all I see are the stretch marks, the scars and the bigger bits and I don't feel good about it at all. I know my body will continue to change as I lose the baby weight and get a bit fitter but throughout the journey I want to feel like I look ok.

So I broke lent. I bought a dress. I hope it fits. I hope I don't look like a sack of potatoes.

The halfway point!

So, I'm halfway through lent and it's not too bad.

Clothes bought = 0
Trashy tv programmes watched = 0
Looks at properties for sale online = 0

Pretty good going I think although I am absolutely desperate to search for houses! I love daydreaming about the 'forever house', seeing what I could get for my money and having a general nosey around other people's houses from the comfort of my own sofa. I miss it but I will resist (for the next 20 days at least).

In other news this week,

Weight loss =2lb
Colds aquired = 1
Episodes of 24 watched in two days = 12
Items of make up purchased = 6

As you can see, nothing revolutionary has happened this week so far. It's been simple and pretty uneventful but sometimes that's just what the doctor ordered.

Fighting the fat

Getting rid of post pregnancy weight is flippin' hard! I don't think I'd have put so much weight on during my pregnancy if it weren't for having been prescribed so much bedrest (I wasn't even allowed to open my dishwasher!). Consequently I spent a LOT of time sitting, eating and putting on weight. Until now I have tried very half heartedly to lose weight anf have only lost about 6lb. I want to lose another stone (a little more would be great) and I want to lose it now.

I am publicly announcing my attempt to lose a stone before the summer! I want this to be a sustainable weight loss so am going to do it gradually and in a way that is realistic for me. I still want to enjoy the occasional treat so will basically cut down on the 'delicious therefore inevitably bad' food and exercise more.

I have identified three main vices that I need to seriously cut back on;
• chocolate - I LOVE chocolate. I could eat it all the time. It has replaced many meals and been eaten as an ending to many meals. I need to eat a lot less. I don't want diabetes and I don't want to be fat.
• cola - I drink too much of this seriously sugary drink. I need to drink less.
• salad cream - I love salad cream and put it on way too many things but it is really high in fat and sugar. I need to eat less.

I am also going to eat less carbs. That means less bread and less pasta.

I am also going to exercise more. I hate exercise but I know it will help me lose weight. I will be walking more, dancing round the house more with O and using my mother in laws exercise bike.

Hopefully in a few months, I'll be back to my pre pregnancy weight and back into those pre pregnancy clothes that are still a  little too tight.

I also want to do this for my little girl. Now that she is starting to eat solids and take more notice of what is happening around her, I want her to see a mum that is active and who eats healthily.

I know that I can do this because I lost 3 stone in the run up to my wedding.

I am not going to post my current weight here as I'm embarrassed about it but will let you know if I lose any!

In other news, I haven't broken my lent challenges although I REALLY want to look at properties online. I didn't realise it had become such a habit!

Sunshiney weekend

I don't know about you but I was delighted to see the sun popping out to say hello this weekend. The fact that my skin is ridiculously pale means that I am not the kind of person who enjoys sunbathing as I go from white to a lovely shade of salmon pink in a matter of seconds but I do find that everything is a bit nicer when the sun is out. People (including me) are in better moods and I find that the place I live looks a little nicer. The sun inspired me to walk 7 miles yesterday.  I am lucky to live near the beach but I only really enjoy it when the weather is nice and yesterday was the perfect opportunity. My walk not only gave me the chance to get some exercise and fresh air but made me feel much less guilty about the two helpings of rice pudding I had at lunch.

The other brilliant thing about this weekend was that I got to catch up with some of my fabulous friends. Having had a particularly rotten pregnancy and also needing a few months to adjust to life with a new born, my husband and I realised that we had become social hermits. We have made a decision to re-enter society and so have decided to make more effort to spend time with our friends, doing the things that we love, talking, eating and laughing.

Here's hoping the good weather continues so we can get the bbq out!

Lent

This year, for the first time ever I am giving up things for lent. As I type this, I feel like a pang of guilt, as I feel that because I proclaim to be a Christian, I should automatically give stuff for lent and am therefore now going to be seen as a ' bad' Christian for not doing so. I suspect this is my own perception rather than reality but we'll see after people read this blog!

I think the reason for not giving stuff up in previous years is that I never really understood what it meant and why I should. I still don't really. The thing is, I have a pretty simple faith. I believe in God. I believe in the death and ressurection of Christ. I try to live my life in a way that follows the example of Jesus and is hopefully pleasing to God. I am not a theologian. I have not read the bible (another confession!) and actually know very few stories from the 'good book' in any depth. Therefore my decision to acknowledge lent this year has very simple reasoning. Basically I think it'll do me good to give up some of the stuff in my life that isn't particularly healthy thus giving me more time to live my life, reflect on it, reflect on my relationship with God and prove to myself that I can do it.

I've chosen to give up three things for lent which may seem trivial to you but often waste my time, waste my money and make me feel a bit fed up. The following things are out of my life for 40 days (maybe longer)....

• Buying clothes, shoes and accessories. I spend a lot of time and money shopping for clothes I don't need. Having not yet lost my pregnancy weight, this is a total waste of money as I am hoping to fit into smaller clothes sooner rather than later and I generally end up not looking how I'd like which just makes me feel a bit naff.

• Watching trash tv. Being on maternity leave has given me time to watch and follow terrible tv series (Housewives of wherever, matchmaking programmes etc). I don't want to look back on this period of my life and only remember the arguement between Vicky and Brielle or the meltdown that Taylor had over nothing. Plus I watch these shows and just get really angry at how far removed from real life these people are. I want to live my life in the real world.

• Looking at properties for sale online. I don't make any secret of the fact that I'd like to move house but I can't afford to yet. So why torture myself looking at houses I can't afford and envying what other people have?!

So a week in and it's going ok. I'd love to look online at houses but I'm still allowed to watch property programmes so at least for the next 33 days Phil and Kirsty will have to suffice.

Anyone else doing lent?

Back to reality

So after a lovely week away, normality resumes but life is hopefully a little altered for the better by the time spent with family and friends in a beautiful part of the world. I always like to spend a bit of time on holiday reflecting on my life and thinking about my hopes and dreams. Here is what I concluded during this holiday's musings....

• I don't take enough time to marvel at the beautiful world we live in. It was an absolute joy to watch O's face as we showed her the landscape of the Peak District.  Her face lit up as she looked at the views around her (certainly beats the view of the inside of her carry cot) and in turn it made me look at these breathtaking views with renewed awe and wonder. Whilst we live in a turbulent and often frightening world, we are also surrounded by vast beauty and I for one need to spend more time immersing myself in the latter.

•Small thing are wonderful. This revelation came to me in the form of a delicious plate of sausage and mash. Why do we need to make life so complicated and consequently stressful when we can find so much joy in the simple things like a plate of sausage and mash, a good conversation, a walk in the sunshine, a hot bath or a comfy bed to sleep in.

• I don't need as much stuff as I thought. For a while now, I have felt challenged to own less stuff but this holiday challenged my views even more. With a baby in tow, there was much less room for my luggage so I packed less. I wore the same pair of shoes for the whole week and the only make up I took was a mascara and a lipstick. Nothing bad happened due to the lack of stuff I had with me and I noticed I wasn't as worried about how I looked.

• A holiday with a baby isn't that much of a holiday. I am in no way saying that I didn't enjoy my holiday. I did. It was lovely. However babies don't realise they're on holiday and so still expect their 6am feed and to be in bed by 7pm. O pretty much dictated our days by her routine and I didn't get the lay ins I have dreamt of but it was brilliant to spend a week as family without the hustle and bustle of daily life.

Perhaps these reflections seem a bit 'deep' after all I was on holiday but they were all fuelled by good conversations, lots of laughter, fabulous surroundings, music and lots of cake.

Break time!

Thanks to everyone who's taking their time to read this little blog, I really appreciate it!

Tomorrow is the first day of our first family holiday! A week in an apartment in the beautiful Peak District awaits and so this week has been about getting everything ready!

It always amazes me how much I need to think about and get ready for a holiday (washing, shopping for essentials, cleaning so I have a clean and tidy home to return to) but with our new little travelling companion, it's like the preparation stage is on steroids!

I have always been adament that I wouldn't be a parent who got all the latest stuff for her baby, after all babies have been brought up for generations without the plethora of stuff nd gadgetary available, but it seems that babies need a LOT of stuff. Stuff that is important.  Stuff that I need to remember. Stuff that I need to get in the car along with my stuff (I don't travel light), J's stuff (7 pairs of pants and a toothbrush :-) ) and our food for the week (self catering ). I have found a new level of respect for travelling parents and their exemplary packing and planning skills.

So whilst I wait for the final load of holiday washing to finish, I am going over and over my packing list, hoping that I don't forget that one essential item. Inevitably I probably will :-) but hey who cares. I'm on holiday!

The dream

Ever since I can remember I've dreamt of the type of house I'd like to have. It's not a huge house, but has enough room for family and friends to stay. It will be filled with books, big comfy chairs, a huge dining table and a lovely garden where I can sit and have my breakfast on balmy summers mornings. I love the idea of a warm family home that's filled with people, good fun and delicious food.

The house I live in now is pretty cute, a 110 year old semi detached cottage that J and I (along with some very appreciated family and friends) have done some work to in order to make it a comfy house to live in. It's been a house that more often than not has been nice to in but I've never felt it was the house I wanted to stay in. I desperately don't want to sound ungrateful for saying that as I know that many would love to live in a home like mine but I have always had the dream of another home in mind.

With the arrival of O, J and I have been thinking about moving house. We have decided to come up with a 2 year plan so that we can hopefully move into or towards the dream house.

In essence the plan is to save as much money as possible towards moving whilst getting a few much needed jobs done to the house so that we can hopefully sell it for as much money as possible. The latter part of the plan should be pretty easy to complete with assistance of a few friends and some skilled workers. I am worried however about the part that involves saving as much money as possible as in order to do that, I will need to stop spending and  therein lies my problem. I love shopping and am going to find it really hard to curb spending on stuff I really don't need. Although I get frustrated at the level of consumerism in our society I am constantly finding myself getting suckered in by something on sale or the thought that my life would be irreversibly better if I owned a certain thing. I don't think I'm alone in this but I do know that I want to challenge myself to consume/spend less and save some money on the journey!

I'm hoping that by posting my intentions and progress on here that it will give me a level of accountability and I will better stick to my plan.

I'll keep you posted!

Why blog?

I've liked reading other people's blogs for a while. Basically I'm pretty nosey and like to see what other people get up to! I like reading about the way that people live their lives, the things that are important to them and the things that they experience. I think we can learn a lot from other people and blogging often provides a forum in which people can be really honest, something that a lot of people find difficult.

As a new mum currently on maternity leave I've had small gaps of time (in between feeds, nappy changing and all that comes with a new born) to start to evaluate and really think about my own life. My life has been wonderfully changed by the birth of my little girl but I have found myself challenged about the views that I thought I had and the things that I thought were priorities in life.

I want to use this blog as a space to really think about my values, my hopes and the type of parent that I want to be in a real and honest way.

Hopefully my musings might be useful to some of you along the way....

The first post!

I would start this post by saying 'welcome' but that seems a bit silly as I haven't yet told anyone about this blog. I do plan to and I do hope that people might like to read some of the things that I write about.

This blog is about me and my life, the experiences I have, the people I meet, the places I see and the dreams I have.

I am blessed to share my life with my lovely husband J and our beautiful baby girl O, some amazing family and friends and a faithful God. 

As a new parent, life can seem all consumed by baby stuff and 'being mum' but I want to use this blog to explore a life that is multifaceted, that whilst I am a mum (and I really love it!) I am also 'other things'.