Since before O was born, I have been trying to bury the fact that I have to go back to work. I have taken as much maternity leave as I can afford and am in the process of arranging the finer details of my return. Despite my attempts to surpress thoughts around work, it has never been far from my mind. I work in a busy and demanding job running a local charity and know that I won't have any time to readjust to working life before dealing with the numerous demands that will need to be addresssed. I will have to deal with the changes that have happened in my absence, the move of premises and the employment of new staff as well as just learning to be back in a working environment and carrying out my usual duties.
Before O arrived I assumed that I would have no problem going back to work, after all I like my job. Turns out I was wrong. I find myself with more problems than solutions as I try to negotiate a working pattern that suits both me and my employer. I find myself plagued with questions about what going back to work will like, how I will feel leaving O and whether I can work and be a good mother. I'm sure that all of the practical issues will be met with solutions but feelings can be so much more difficult to resolve can't they. How do I address the guilt at being away from O, the guilt of relying on others to care for her? How do I address the fear that I am likely to miss some of her firsts because I am not there and how do I still put in 100% at work when my priorities have so vastly changed? I feel totally daunted at the prospect of balancing work and parenthood and have found a genuine appreciation for those working families who manage to find that balance.
I am sincerely hoping that I am making a bigger deal of this than it will actually be, that being back at work will actually be easier than I am imagining it will be. What if it isn't?
Damn! Another question!
I cannot even imagine this question as a mum. I ask this question all the time before even becoming a mum. I see my work as such a vocation and yet I know if I had children they would of course come first. Priorities would change. I think the main thing to hold on to is that there is not one wrong or right answer to this one. There is not a 'bad' thing to do. The fact it worries you at all means you will make a good choice, for O, for you, for work.
ReplyDeleteA part of motherhood that no book informs us prior to having children is guilt. If you had chosen to be a SAHM you would begin to ponder, am I enough to help my child develop into a well rounded person, am I preventing my child from reaching their full potential in something because finances are now restricting, the list is endless. And the guilt doesn't stop there, how you chose to feed your child boob or bottle is full of endless guilt question asking sessions, how you chose to wean, the playgroups you attend, allowing family to par-take in days out. You can never escape the guilt of parenthood. Even after a wonderful day together once they are tucked up in bed and you begin the housework before going to sleep something will creep in, I am a terrible parent I allowed my child to eat a wotsit at 16 months. The guilt never goes, and if anything, it actually gets worse. You just have to remember that you are doing this for you and your family. Afterall who knows your family needs better than you xxx
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