Another lazy weekend filled with musings

Another tough week has been rewarded with the weekend. Saturday was a day of cleaning the house, playing with O, eating homemade bolognese pizzas and watching Twister (always love a 90's tastic film as an early Saturday evening treat). Sunday was a morning at church, a roast dinner in my mum's garden and by far one of the biggest treats ever....an afternoon nap! I can't remember if I've blogged about the joys of afternoon nap but it has become a thing of serious luxury. Now I love my little girl to bits but after a massive Sunday lunch all I want to do is plonk myself in a comfy chair and doze off whilst watching a murder mystery on ITV 3. Unless by some miracle O has worn herself out, Sunday afternoons are now filled with building towers out of stacking cups, blowing raspberries on O's tummy and preventing her from launching herself off/over any piece of furniture that she has decided is now a climbing frame. I love it, I really do but today when my mum suggested taking O out for a walk to give J and I the chance to snooze in the garden, we couldn't get them out of the door fast enough ! It was blissful.

One of the things I often worry about is that I don't live my life fully enough. I spend a lot of time feeling like I should be busier like I should be packing more adventurous, exciting things into my time. Social media adds fuel to the fire as I see exotic holidays, nights out drinking cocktails, people that seem more creative than me, people who look better than ke, people who have 'exciting' jobs and I find myself comparing. Horrible but true. I sometimes fail to see the richness of my life because I often think I do more, I should be more than I am.

However this weekend life felt full, it felt rich with life and it was good.

Finding calm in the storm

It's finally here. The storm that has been brewing has finally cut it's way through the searing, humidity to bring the cleansing and life giving rain and I am loving it. I love the low rumbles of the thunder, the icy blue landscape that is shown for a fraction of a second with each lightening bolt and the glorious sound of the heavy rain. As I sit in my home with the lights down low, a film on the telly and the storm in the background, I feel a much needed contentment and sense of calm.

A great end to a not so great week.

Saturdaytastic!

During my week I often think about things I could blog about. These are often important deep and meaningful things that challenge me about life. However when it comes to actually typing about it writers block kicks in and I end up writing about something else (usually trivial). Today is no exception. Well apart from the fact I have nothing deep and meaningful but just fancied writing so I thought I'd share a bit about my day (if anyone's interested).

Saturdays are fast becoming my favourite day of the week. Mainly because I get a whole day with J and O without the feeling of work approaching doom that comes with Sunday.

So today went as follows;

Had a lay in until 9.50 (thank you J for getting up with O, I am SO grateful! ). We all spent the day in our pjs watching telly and playing. Whilst this may sound slobby, I love it. I find a huge amount of joy in being able to sit on the sofa in a pair of fleecy baggy trousers with an elasticated waist and have spent many a Saturday in such a state. Today we discovered BBC 2's new drama 'The Honourable Woman' on i-player. I'm hooked, I think it's going to be a really good series which will be very welcome after the disappointment of the new series' of 24 and Hannibal.

Anyway, slobbing, eating and playtime was followed by a quick clean and tidy up (stuff shoved in drawers and a spritz of antibacterial spray around the house). We then got dressed and went to my mums for fajitas (a staple Saturday night dinner in my family).

Dinner wolfed down and a bag of food to bring home(thanks mum!), we returned to our house to get O to bed and again I find myself sat in my pjs watching telly.

As I predicted yesterday, there were times today when I wished I were doing something more 'significant'. Times when I compared myself to others, times spent daydreaming about other places but when it comes down to it, a relaxed day at home with my beloved family is a rich and abundant day.

Hope you're enjoying your Saturday!

Living for the weekend!

Just a short post this evening.... I am SO glad it's Friday! I need this weekend. I need to relax. I need to spend time with my family and friends. I need to just be.

It's been another difficult and busy week. I am feeling the weight of responsibility and frustration bear down on me as I continue to juggle family life and an increasingly demanding job. I feel exhausted and overwhelmed and so the opportunity for two days at home with family is a very very welcome arrival.

In essence the plans are as follows: eat, sleep, play with O, spend time with J, watch telly, go to church and see friends.

I am sure that I will feel like I should be doing more with my weekend. I'm sure that at some point I will feel jealous of the exciting things I see people doing this weekend when I look on facebook. However this weekend, I need simplicity. And that is just splendid.

Moan, moan, moan

Hey readers,

My apologies for not writing for such a long time. Things have been super busy. I am not going to say too much at the moment in case things don't go to plan but let's just say there may be some exciting and scary changes happening in the near future.

Work is exhausting and I am failing miserably in the quest for a work/life balance. Despite working part time, there are lots of things going on at work and to say it is stressful feels like an understatement. Thoughts of work are permeating most aspects of life and thus I feel like an emotional and physical wreck most of the time. This is certainly not what I imagined being a working mum would be like. It saddens me because I used to enjoy my job and it saddens me because I don't feel fully present when I am at home with my family. I am frustrated that this is the shape of my life for the time being and frustrated that I can't control the physical symptoms of stress that I am experiencing. I am sure that I am not unique in feeling like this but I just hate it. It has however felt like a splendid excuse to watch ridiculous amounts of not so great telly (watching a 'well balanced, non-biased'  channel 5 documentary on benefits claimants as I write) and eat double chocolate cookies whilst sitting in my pyjamas.

Something needs to change and so J and I have been having some serious conversations about a way forward. I know that I want to be in place where I feel at peace and content with life. I want to fully enjoy the time I have with my friends and family. I am learning that I don't need much to be happy and that actually I am more suited to a simple life.

So J and I have come up with some potential solutions which feels like a step forward but until we are more certain about what to do, I am going to leave you in suspense for the time being....

Joy is a choice....

I read this phrase today on a chalkboard in someone's kitchen and it got me thinking about the week that has just been. It was my first week back at work after a brilliant period of maternity leave. It was one of the hardest weeks I have ever experienced. This week has been punctuated with tears, panic attacks, a parking ticket and swearing.  Not great but I got through it. Being joyful has not been on my list as I have battled through the week feeling frustrated that certain parts of life are not how I want them to be.

The thing is, the things that I would like to be different are not going to happen in the near future so do I carry on being miserable or do I choose to be joyful. I choose joy.

I do not expect this to be the easiest route but I do know that I don't want to wallow in self pity, sounding like a broken record on repeat as I constantly moan. It's boring for everyone around me, boring for me and completely unhealthy. So I am going to endeavour to find the joy in my situation and be more thankful for it. Having considered this point, here are some of the things I am thankful for...

• I have a job that allows me to pay the bills, live in a comfortable home, eat 3 meals a day and have the occasional treat. The current economic climate means that so many are not able to make ends meet so I must find the joy in the fact that we have enough money to live well.

• I work part time. I am fortunate that I can earn as much as I need on part time hours which means I get to spend more time with my family and friends.

• The joy on my daughter's face when I get home from work. This is a reward like no other.

• I work with some cracking people. It makes the time at work a bit easier.

• Being back at work has helped me to feel like I am moving towards that place I want to be (in a 'forever' family home and finacial comfortable).

I know that I will not always remember these things. I know that I will still find going to work hard, that I will still cry about it, that the panic attacks will come again but I am going to try and be more joyful.

I choose joy.

The end of maternity leave approacheth....

So the title explains it all really. I am back to work on Monday. The need to refine my time keeping skills is here as I know that I have to get O and myself ready and out of the house on time so that I am not late to the office. I have been preparing myself for the fact that I am no longer going to get to spend as much time with O as I'd like and that I am likely to miss some of her 'firsts'. I am swapping my pj's and jeans for office wear and my telly for Microsoft Outlook.

I have absolutely LOVED maternity leave. Every single minute of it and so I have been dragging out this last week as much as I possibly can. J has been on annual leave and we've had a staycation filled with family time, sunshiney walks, Breaking Bad and cake. We've also taken care of a few householdy jobs that have been waiting to be finished and have overlooked others for another time.

It feels strange to be rejoining the rat race, particularly in the knowledge of the beautiful tiny person I will be leaving behind to do so but I am hoping it will be a positive experience for us both. I suspect that there will be some tears and tantrums in the first few weeks (from me, not O) but I am told it gets easier.

For now though, I am going to just enjoy the sunshine and the weekend.