Joy is a choice....

I read this phrase today on a chalkboard in someone's kitchen and it got me thinking about the week that has just been. It was my first week back at work after a brilliant period of maternity leave. It was one of the hardest weeks I have ever experienced. This week has been punctuated with tears, panic attacks, a parking ticket and swearing.  Not great but I got through it. Being joyful has not been on my list as I have battled through the week feeling frustrated that certain parts of life are not how I want them to be.

The thing is, the things that I would like to be different are not going to happen in the near future so do I carry on being miserable or do I choose to be joyful. I choose joy.

I do not expect this to be the easiest route but I do know that I don't want to wallow in self pity, sounding like a broken record on repeat as I constantly moan. It's boring for everyone around me, boring for me and completely unhealthy. So I am going to endeavour to find the joy in my situation and be more thankful for it. Having considered this point, here are some of the things I am thankful for...

• I have a job that allows me to pay the bills, live in a comfortable home, eat 3 meals a day and have the occasional treat. The current economic climate means that so many are not able to make ends meet so I must find the joy in the fact that we have enough money to live well.

• I work part time. I am fortunate that I can earn as much as I need on part time hours which means I get to spend more time with my family and friends.

• The joy on my daughter's face when I get home from work. This is a reward like no other.

• I work with some cracking people. It makes the time at work a bit easier.

• Being back at work has helped me to feel like I am moving towards that place I want to be (in a 'forever' family home and finacial comfortable).

I know that I will not always remember these things. I know that I will still find going to work hard, that I will still cry about it, that the panic attacks will come again but I am going to try and be more joyful.

I choose joy.

The end of maternity leave approacheth....

So the title explains it all really. I am back to work on Monday. The need to refine my time keeping skills is here as I know that I have to get O and myself ready and out of the house on time so that I am not late to the office. I have been preparing myself for the fact that I am no longer going to get to spend as much time with O as I'd like and that I am likely to miss some of her 'firsts'. I am swapping my pj's and jeans for office wear and my telly for Microsoft Outlook.

I have absolutely LOVED maternity leave. Every single minute of it and so I have been dragging out this last week as much as I possibly can. J has been on annual leave and we've had a staycation filled with family time, sunshiney walks, Breaking Bad and cake. We've also taken care of a few householdy jobs that have been waiting to be finished and have overlooked others for another time.

It feels strange to be rejoining the rat race, particularly in the knowledge of the beautiful tiny person I will be leaving behind to do so but I am hoping it will be a positive experience for us both. I suspect that there will be some tears and tantrums in the first few weeks (from me, not O) but I am told it gets easier.

For now though, I am going to just enjoy the sunshine and the weekend.

A simple but wonderful weekend

I've had one of those weekends that was completely chilled. No particular plans resulted in a Saturday going out for lunch with J and O, wandering around gardens centres, watching films and a few episodes of House of Cards (hooray for Netflix!) and eating roast gammon whilst listening to jazz. Sunday was a morning at church followed by an impromtu family lunch and a walk around the nicer parts of the area I live in lusting after houses I can't afford. A few more episodes of House of Cards and I am now sat in my pjs writing this blog. Nothing extravagent, nothing extraordinary but cosy and comfortable.

Whilst I love getting out and about experiencing new people and places, I also love these times of spontenaiety and relaxation.

This was just the weekend I needed as I prepare for a busy week. I've got three work related meetings to go to in preparation for the end of my maternity leave in two weeks (argh!). This might not sound like much to those of you working your socks off in busy jobs but they will be long and complex meetings. I will have lots of information to process and after almost a year away am finding it quite daunting to be getting back into the swing of working with the new addition of being responsible for a small but demanding human.

I sure all will work out, but for now I am just going to enjoy my lack of plans.

The art of distraction...

I am writing this blog as a lame attempt to distract myself from eating the bag of chocolate buttons that is currently sat in my cupboard. They are taunting me with their sugary goodness and I am very close to giving in.

Do not feel sorry for me. Since Friday I have already consumed a chocolate and cherry brownie with salted caramel and ice cream (an anniversary dinner treat), a bag of marshmallow crispie bites (because I happend to walk past Costas) and a slice of gluten free chocolate cake (because I was at a birthday party). The weight loss plan has seriously suffered and I don't need any more sugar. I don't need any more sugar. I don't need any more sugar.

The diet has been slow and steady but things are going in the right direction. I am four pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight but would like to lose a little more and I'd like to get there sooner rather than later. A much awaited trip to the physio this week will hopefully start to get rid of sciatic pain that I've had since pregnancy meaning that I might be able to move about without hobbling like an old lady and do a bit more exercise. (In my head I like to exercise, in the real world I do not but it would at least be nice to have the option!)

I am now starting to feel thinner and some clothes are starting to feel looser but there is still a way to go. So I will NOT eat those chocolate buttons!

The small but wonderful things part 5

Happy bank holiday weekend everyone! I hope you've had a lovely week.

It's felt like a pretty busy week here. Although on paper I can't say I've done loads, O is tearing around the place which has meant I've been tearing around after her trying to make sure she doesn't whack her head on something,  or eat something she's found on the floor or empty every shelf within reach. It's exhausting!

This weekend marked my fifth wedding anniversary so my wonderful things this week are going to be marriage/anniversary focussed.

• A baby free night. My husband and I were privileged to be given a night away as an anniversary gift. There was tons of stuff about this that was brilliant; - not having to constantly watch a baby, afternoon naps when we liked, sleeping until we woke up, eating out, having someone else prepare breakfast. Lovely.

• Laughter. I am very fortunate in the fact that my husband and I laugh a lot. I don't take this for granted and I hope that we continue to find stupid things funny.

• Compromise. My husband and I moved in together on our wedding day. To many I know that this sounds old fashioned but it meant that when we got married a new chapter really started. There was a tangible change. This also meant really practising the art of compromise as we learnt to live in the same house. There are things about the way each of us lives/behaves that drive each other up the wall. I have a messy tendancy and don't have any housekeeping routines. J hates doing any form of diy and prefers to meal plan. We both get frustrated at each other about these things (and others) but we compromise. We work around them. For us these things, although annoying, are not deal breakers. I appreciate that we can both make compromises.

• Choice. One of the best things about the relationship I have with J is that we know we are able to make choices with the support of the other. Having worked with survivors of abuse and violence, I realise the power of being able to make my own decisions. I believe this makes us stronger because at the base of our relationship is the fact that we choose to be together and to make it work.

The reality is that I don't actually see any of these things as 'small' but they are wonderful because they help to sustain our marriage in a healthy way. It's not always easy and we sometimes both feel like the grass might be greener somewhere else but I wouldn't change any of it :-)

The small but wonderful things part 4

So what wonderful things have happened this week?

• Warm sunny days. Need I say more?

• My little girl giving me kisses. By kisses I mean when I say 'can I have a kiss', she puts her lips to mine. Often dribbly (her not me) but just the cutest thing ever!

• My new straw trilby hat. My old one was somewhat destroyed during a flight home from italy two years ago. I finally got a new one to accompany my summer wardrobe (by summer wardrobe, I mean the tops that are usually worn with jumpers will not be worn with jumpers. Oh, and I have a few skirts and dresses that are only worn when the sun shines).

• Chocolate cake. I know I have mentioned it before, but is there ever a time where cake doesn't brighten one's day?!

Hope you've all had a lovely week!

Aaaand breathe....

Life can be so fast paced can't it? As we struggle to balance work life, home life, relationships, time with friends and family etc it can sometimes be difficult to feel like we are living at all amidst the differents facets of our lives. Days, weeks and months whizz by and I often wonder what on earth I actually did with my time. Did I savour that time and fully enjoy it or did I not really pay any attention and let it pass by. Too often its the latter.

Now I am in no way saying we should stop to savour every single moment of our lives or we'd never get anything done but I do feel I want to challenge you (and me) to think about the quality of our lives. Are we making the most of it? Are we fully investing in and enjoying our relationships and the experiences we have?

Something I often long for is a slower pace of life. A pace of life in which I fully enjoy the relationships I have, the places I visit, the things I experience and the food that I eat. Too often these things are overlooked because I am thinking about what I have to do, what I think I should be doing and sometimes what I'd rather be doing. I rarely stop to just be and enjoy.

This weekend presented an opportunity to really put these thoughts into practice. As I've previously written, my mum is a keen gardener so for Chrismas J and I bought her a day out at a garden she'd spent years watching and being inspired by on Gardener's World. It was a great opportunity for my mum and I to spend some time together so we booked out a whole day to wander and sit. Stunning weather was perfectly timed as we looked around the gardens, stopping of course for lunch and cake breaks. It was like time slowed down and not only did we have time to walk around the gardens but time to sit in them. I noticed that at first I found this a little hard as I felt I should be on the move, looking around. Then however I realised that I could appreciate the gardens and the time with my mum more by stopping to enjoy it.

So I challenge you readers to stop and enjoy life for a bit. Everything else can be done later.