Craving simplicity

OK, confession time...
I have just had a meltdown. My husband didn't know what hit him when I just turned into an angry, crying mess. I'm embarassed but should have seen it coming. The day started for me at 2.45am when O started screaming and consequently decided that she would absolutely not fall asleep in her bed and needed to be held until the sun came up. Team that with adjusting to a new job which involves a much longer commute than I'd like and being in the middle of buying and selling houses and it was only a matter of time before I exploded. And explode I did. I am so exhausted. Why are things so complicated? Why am I struggling with things other people seem to sail through?

I used to want so much, a big house, luxury travel, lots of money, a successful career, a family and a busy social life. What I actually want is a home I can grow old in with my family and friends around me, enough money to get by and simplicity. I don't want life to be so busy. I don't care about keeping up with the Jones' but want to feel settled. I hate the uncertainty moving house brings, I hate feeling like I haven't got time to be the wife, mother, daughter and friend I want to be and I want to feel freer.

I know that life is seasonal, that the issues that feel so frustrating at the moment will get resolved. Life will move on and that things will feel calmer.

But for now I am throwing my toys out of my pram and praying for some miracles.

Got to stop focussing on the negatives

Today started as one of those days where I just felt a bit grumpy. Not really sure why but everything was bugging me and all I could focus on was the negative stuff -

▶ The house still hasn't sold despite almost 20 viewings
▶ I can't afford my 'forever' house
▶ I haven't been on holiday abroad for over two years
▶ I haven't gone out for dinner/to the theatre/cinema/to a gig for what feels likes ages
▶ I am a bad wife/mother/daughter/friend etc
▶ I am not thin enough
▶ I am not stylish enough

All of this negativity is exhausting and made me even grumpier.

Now I know in reality that these things are not true/unimportant. I know that the house will sell, that we will move house. I know that I will get more opportunities to go out or go on holidays. I know deep down that I am not a terrible wife/mother etc and I know that it doesn't really matter what I look like to the people who love me. I know that  I have a pretty good life. I have brilliant family and friends and enough to get by. However knowing can be very different from feeling.

There was only one thing for it and that thing was a family trip out to a cafe to eat a piece of treacle tart followed by a mooch around John Lewis. My irks are not resolved (I am certainly not going to get any thinner by consoling myself with treacle tart) but I am trying to get things into perspective.

Is it just me that has days like this?